


Parabellum

by Lilywoood



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Season/Series 01, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-03-09 08:48:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18913561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilywoood/pseuds/Lilywoood
Summary: However as he felt the impact of the bullet transpiercing his left side, as he felt his blood flowing through his skin, as he felt life slowly leaving  his body, he allowed himself to pray whatever entity up there to be able to see Michael Guerin’s face one last time.





	1. Part I : Si vis pacem

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this fic came from, I was having a conversation about 1x13 with my best friend and next thing I know I'm  
> writing this fic !  
> I also want to apologize for any mistakes as English is not my first langage but I really really wanted to try, so yep that me trying to write a RNM fic in English and hoping that some of you will like it.

He didn’t expect anyone to find him, he’d made sure of it, made sure to cover his location, been sure to kept his researches a secret until he broke all the codes, until he found the others and found a way to prevent a second Caulfield, made sure that the next time a confrontation was bound to happen, he’ll be alone with the monster, that why he wasn’t the least surprised to found him rummaging through his work, only a bit disappointed by the time it took him.

Because Alex was everything but a dreamer, he learned it the hard way, he knew that day would come, knew that coma couldn’t stop Jesse Manes from hunting him down until he could finally get rid of their family weak ink, he’d prepared himself all his life for the final round, that’s why he felt unfazed by the other man presence, he didn’t move when Jesse rose his gun pointing it directly to his chest while spiting every insults he could. His eyes never left the gun’s barrel, fear never came, pleading for his life didn’t cross him, he didn’t even try to negotiate with the monster. He wasn’t even paying attention to the chaos surrounding them, didn’t notice the blaring siren and the flashing red lights, because for the first time he didn’t care, for the first time he felt a tremendous sense of relief coursing through his veins…for the first time everything was quiet.

He knew Jesse well enough to notice how his lack of reaction was getting on his nerve, he realized that he was playing a dangerous game but he couldn’t bring himself to care, as if he somehow he was devoid of feelings, like emptiness replaced his heart; love, hate, pain it was all the same now, he stopped caring and feeling things the day he learned that Michael decided they weren’t cosmic anymore, the day his decided that the supernova that their feelings and respective past were was too much for him to handle, Michael wanted normal and that what Alex promised himself to give him even if it  meant fighting until his dying breath for it.

- **You hear a lot of stuffs when in a hospital bed** , Jesse smarted **, things like Guerin finally realizing how perverted and disturbed you are,** he nagged.

- **Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree** , he asserted rolling his eyes…

* * *

Something wasn’t right, he could feel it in his bones, in his guts, in his head, something was far from right and it was scaring him. When Kyle woke up this morning with a knot in his gut he knew, knew something grave was bound to happen, he couldn’t pin point what, couldn’t explain how, he just felt it, sure he wasn’t a mind reader like Isobel or a psychic like Maria and he knew damn well that they were no medium in his family, but he knew that feeling very well because every time he experienced it death was around the corner, so when Kyle Valenti woke up this morning feeling the queasiness crushing his bones he that tears were going to be shed today…

* * *

- **You’re not going to fight me** , Jesse asked clenching his jaws a throbbing veins forming on his temple, gun shaking in his hands, **not going to tell me how you want to destroy everything that I love,** he pursued.

 **-I already did,** Alex blankly answered sight still fixed on the gun.

- **You afraid son** , Jesse asked choosing to ignore Alex’s answer slightly creasing his brow.

- **No** , he shrugged, **are you** , he retorted lifting his head finally meeting the monster’s stare.

* * *

His chest was aching, he felt his heart breaking even more, regret and remorse tearing it down, he needed a drink or several, he needed to leave the room, he needed fresh air because he wasn’t sure he could stay there without breaking down. There in the place of Jesse’s Manes comatose body stood nothing.

His eyes were fixed on the empty bed, his hand grasping tightly the end of it. He couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t believe that he managed to escape, that he’d been once again ahead of them, he couldn’t accept that he failed Alex, he swore to him that Jesse wouldn’t be a threat anymore, that for all the bad things that happened to him in the last few weeks at least he could comfort himself with the neutralization of his abuser. He felt drained, exhausted, depressed, he couldn’t believe it, couldn’t accept that they were losing once again.

He stood frozen in his place, going through all the events of yesterday night, trying to find when or how he could have escaped without the security or his colleagues noticing him. Defeat was quickly replaced by rage and frustration, making him throw his beeper against the nearest wall, clutching and unclenching his fists, choosing to busy his hands by running them through his hair, Kyle was lost and still processing the spectacle in front of him… He needed a drink and to make a few phone calls.

* * *

He felt painfully free, it was ironic because freedom shouldn’t feel painful when obtained, freedom was supposed to be as soft as the touch of feather, freedom was supposed to be exhilarating, attached to a feeling of happiness, it wasn’t supposed to feel wrong nor empty, and most of all freedom shouldn’t be related to a gun’s barrel.

- **I want you to beg me** , Jesse heated manhandling him to the far corner of the room **, I want you to beg me to spare your miserable life** , his lips drew back in a snarl, **beg me like the coward I know you are** , he raged.

- **Manes don’t beg** , Alex retorted calmly raising his left brow.

* * *

His eyes were fixed on the amber liquid in his hand, his glass was almost empty but it didn’t untangle the knot in his stomach no matter how many glass he drank he couldn’t forget the empty bed, he couldn’t help but worry.

He let out a long sigh before digging out a pack of cigarettes from his inside pocket, he was still wearing his doctor coat which made him laugh crisply, he struggled a bit to lite his cigarette not caring that he was still inside the Pony.

 **-I thought doctor weren’t supposed to smoke** , he heard Guerin ask him taking the sit on his left, he shrugged taking another puff of his cigarette blatantly ignoring Maria’s glare, **you lost someone** , Michael wondered eying his attire.

- **Kind off** , Kyle chuckled dryly shaking his head before turning his eyes toward the cowboy, **say** , he started, **when was the last time you talked with Alex,** he propped, deciding to change the subject.

 **-We’re not on speaking term** , Michael confessed creasing his brows, **why** , he demanded.

- **Cause Jesse Manes is missing** , Kyle responded crushing his cigarette on the bar.

Kyle’s word echoed in his head as he stood frozen in his stool, he stared blankly at the mirror in front of them trying his hardest to process what he learned, Jesse Manes was awake, missing and nobody had heard from Alex in the past two weeks.

 **-Didn’t I told you the best** , Kyle chuckled dryly **, it seems that there is a mole among us** , he revealed shaking his head in disbelief.

- **What do you mean** , Michael croaked his drink long forgotten.

 **-Nobody but us knew about Jesse’s condition I made sure that no one would know that he was hospitalized** , he seethed **, he was in a medically induced coma Guerin** , he trailed.

 **-Meaning someone woke him** , Michael added understanding Kyle’s insinuations **, but who** , he inquired massaging his temples.

Kyle raised his glass to his lips nodding his head slightly confirming Michael’s theory, he looked at the doctor with incredulity, but when the other did nothing to allay his fears, he felt as if he’d been punched in his guts.  

 **-This is a joke right, right?** He begged feeling like choking, his shirt was starting to get too tight and his heart was beating so fast he was almost sure everyone could hear it, his palms where sweaty and his hands trampling, **why would he do something as stupid as that?** He chocked.

 **-I don’t know** , Kyle responded clasping his hands over his head, I **don’t know what that dumbass think he’s doing but we can’t Guerin…we can’t let him alone in a room with Jesse Manes** , he concluded

* * *

He felt a bitter triumph in knowing that his fall will bring Jesses and all the people involved in project Shepherd down with him, a sort of pride in knowing that for once his sacrifice won’t be meaningless, sure it won’t save billions of life, he won’t be remembered for it, he won’t be a hero, he’d never even wanted to be one, but for the first time in ten years he felt triumphant, for the first time in ten years he was winning not just a battle but the whole war.

Alex was no dreamer but he forgot the major point while thinking at his soon to be victory, he forgot that Jesse wasn’t any opponent, he wasn’t the kind of enemy to lose without a fight, he was a soldier first and human being last, he was the kind of person to throw his whole in the battle dragging the opposition down with him even if it meant losing…

 **-It won’t makes him come back to you** , Jesse snarled eyes darkening with satisfaction at Alex flitching, **bringing me down won’t change anything** , he taunted , **it won’t make him stop seeing me when he looks at you** , he added siting up on the near desk.

- **It’s not about any of that** , Alex croaked swallowing difficultly.

He was getting in his head he knew it, still that didn’t stop Alex from falling head first in his trap, didn’t stop the doubt creeping its ways through his mind, he did it…he’d manage to make him question everything even his motives…

- **Come on boy** , he tutted, **you didn’t really thing that taking me down would undo the past** , he scoffed going through some of the paper scattered on the table, **it won’t make him forgive nor forget** , he glanced lips twisting into a toothy grin, he sighed shaking his head **, he is never going to take you back,** he affirmed moving toward him, **he can’t even look at you** , he breathed in his ear, **why would he choose you,** he quizzed, **you’re weak and caused him nothing but trouble** , he taunted.

He felt frozen in place, Jesse’s words echoing in his mind, tormenting him, breaking him, he was well aware that he was being manipulated, that he was using his insecurities and feelings to make him bend, give up and surrender like seventeen years old Alex would have done…

Chaos was surrounding them, he could hear it now, hear the blaring sirens admonishing him to leave, he could see the red light warning him of the impending danger, his eyes fixed once again the barrel, he was well aware now that there would be no winner...

* * *

 **-There must be a way** , Michael growled after another unsuccessful trail **, people can’t vanish like that,** he added passing back and forth.

He was tired and worry was eating him alive, they’d been at it all day, searching all of Alex’s usual spot, they even went as far as going to the military base outside town in vain, Alex was nowhere to be found and the knot in Michaels gut were getting bigger and bigger.

He wanted time to stop just for a moment, he wanted everything to stop, to be quiet, calm and southing, he wanted the world to pause just for a minute, a single minute that will allow the quiet to let him think, let him reflect; let him draw on their link, allowing him to find his other half, allowing him to reassure his tired mind and broken heart that everything was ok, and if it wasn’t he only wished to be there on time.

- **Alex used to say you were cosmic** , Kyle interrupted worry clear in his voice, **that somehow you were bounded,** he chuckled brow furrowed.

- **We are,** Michael croaked, **I know we are,** he continued clenching his fist, **I swear I’m trying Valenti** , **but he’s not letting me in** , he panted, **it’s as if he doesn’t want to be found** , he frowned his knuckles turning white

 **-Maybe we are not searching properly** , Kyle reflected.

- **What do you mean** , Michael asked tiredly, **we searched everywhere** , he sighed sitting up against the car.

 **-Yeah,** the other man exclaimed, **that’s the problem we searched** , he emphasized **, we have to think outside the box** , he explained to a confused Michael, **clearly he didn’t want to be found you said it yourself** , he gestured, **then it’s not Alex we have to search for** , he exposed **, Alex is a meticulous** **bastard** **we’re never going to find him if he doesn’t want to be** , Kyle smiled shaking his head…

 **-But Jesse isn’t,** Michael smiled finally getting onboard with the med **, I’m pretty sure that there is a trail of him somewhere** , rising up he sighed relieved to finally have a tail.

* * *

Hope was heavy, dangerous and painful, of all people Michael knew it best, he learned it the hard way, still he couldn’t help but pray and hope that they’ll find something, anything fast enough to track Jesse and hence Alex fast enough. He needed a win, he needed something just a sign, a receipt anything that could reassure him, that could help him reach for Alex.

It was getting late now the sun was setting and they had nothing, the glimmer of hope they had that morning was slowly fading away, replaced by fear and worry once again.

 **-Hope is a dangerous thing** , Michael chuckled darkly kicking some stones.

 **-I’m not giving up** , Kyle stated rubbing his shoulder, **if** **I have to put an all-nighter just to found that dumbass I will,** he fiercely added, **with or without you Guerin,** he persisted.

 **-I never said I was giving up** , he snared, **I’m not giving up, I’ll never give up** , he rambled holding his hands to his face, **I just feel like we are struck in our trailing instead of moving forward** , he sighed, **and I can’t stop worry that we’re going to be late** , his croaked tears on the verge of falling, **and I can’t…I don’t think I could handle it if we were to be late,** he confessed falling to his knees.

 **-I promise Guerin we’ll find him** , Kyle answered softly, **we’ll get him back and we’ll tear him a new one for his recklessness** , he tried to joke, **maybe we missed something or some place** , he tried.

- **Maybe** , Michael conceded looking at the sky.

They stood there for what seemed to be an eternity, going back and forth to all the spots they tried, they went to the Manes residence, the cabin, the Crashdown, everywhere or so they thought, realization hitting Michael pretty quick.

 **-We didn’t try the toolshed** , Michael exclaimed, **we didn’t…we went to Manes but we forgot the toolshed,** he babbled getting to his feet.

- **Whatever Alex is doing I don’t think a toolshed could handle it,** Kyle tried to reason following the rejoiced alien.

- **I never said he was doing it in the toolshed** , Michael smarted, **its Jesse Manes we’re talking about** , he added.

- **You think** , Kyle trailed, **fuck it was under our nose all this time** , he swore getting on the driver seat, **buckle your belt Guerin** , he ordered starting the engine.

* * *

Alex had made sure that nobody would find them, he worked days and nights on that plan, thought about all the detail all the potential loopholes, he made sure that it’ll be perfect, made sure that whatever happened no one would know, no one would ask, no one will found, it was his battle, his war and he intended to win or lose it alone, he never expected nor dreamed to see Michael’s face, he never allowed himself that little hope, because Michael wasn’t his anymore, they weren’t cosmic anymore, they weren’t soulmate, maybe star-crossed lover but nothing else.

However as he felt the impact of the bullet transpiercing his left side, as he felt his blood flowing through his skin, as he felt life slowly leaving his body, he allowed himself to pray whatever entity up there to be able to see Michael Guerin’s face one last time.

* * *

He felt a blow in his stomach like someone punching him repeatedly there, breathing was hard be he could manage, he could handle it, he didn’t know what provoked that, at first he thought that maybe Isobel had encountered some problems, he was ready to turn over except he didn’t get the flash, didn’t get the headache, didn’t feel the pull of their bound, it wasn’t Isobel…

 **-I can feel him** , he groaned rubbing his chest, **he’s hurt** , he struggled biting his lips until they bled.

- **Shit** , Kyle responded putting the pedal **, will get there in less than five minutes** , he promised, **hold on,** he pleaded.

- **I’m not the one in pain** , Michael pointed clenching his shirt knuckles turning white, **god** , he gasped, **can’t you go any faster** , he growled.

 **-If I go any faster we won’t have a functioning car anymore** , Kyle backed, **we’re almost there anyway,** he added gritting his teeth, **you hear that**? He asked stopping the car abruptly.

The noise was faint but they could still hear it, it sounded like an alarm, a siren guiding them through the wood behind Jesse’s Manes house, the closer they get the harder it was for Michael to keep up, the hurt moved from his stomach to his chest, breathing became a struggle and he dreaded what they would found.

 **-Do you think they’re both there,** Kyle whispered.

 **-I hope they’re,** Michael snarled, **I hope he’s there,** he pursued lips trembling.

They were in front of the toolshed door now, the sirens sound deafening, their heart hammering, with trembling hands Kyle twisted the handle and entered the room Michael close behind. Nothing seemed out of normal at first, if not the ceaseless alarm, not wasting any minutes they both got on their knees in search of the entryway.

 **-Here comes nothing** , Michael breathed taking one handle while Kyle took the other one.

They were met with chaos when the hatch opened, the whaling sirens and blinding lights already setting the mood, something was wrong down there, something terrible had happened, they could feel it, it was all around them, they knew that time was running out. Michael climbed out first followed a mere second after by Kyle shovel in one hand and his phone’s torch in the other, the sirens abruptly stopped the moment their feet touched the base’s damp floor, as if trying to help them in their mission, as if to shelter them from what they were bound to found.

It was loud, painfully loud and depressing the sudden silence was sickening, Michael felt trapped, suffocating as if someone or something was keeping him from breathing, he didn’t know where that feeling came from, his first thought was that maybe he was having a claustrophobia attack that why he felt like something was chocking him, maybe it was stress and dread, maybe it was because they were underground... He tried desperately to find the reason why he felt as if he was going to die, the reason why his heart was beating so fast, why he felt a rush of sadness surrounding him, why he felt like crying...Deep down he knew, but he’d rather stay in denial finding one hundred logical excuses than acknowledging the truth, their bound was starting to fade, and he feared that Alex was too.

- **Everything’s okay,** Kyle asked noticing the change in Michael behavior, **do you feel him** , he pressed.

 **-It’s fading** , he bleated, **it’s…it’s like a hole is starting to form in place of us,** he gasped feeling a wave of nausea overcoming him.

* * *

He was getting tired, darkness was slowly overcoming him, he could feel his force leaving him but it wasn’t peaceful nor quiet like he imagined, he always thought that death was a fast and quiet worker, but he was wrong, he felt like death was taunting him by taking Jesse’s face, by pointing to him how once again he failed on the verge of victory, how once again the monster outsmarted him….

- **You should have surrender when I gave you the chance** , Jesse smirked kneeling down to Alex’s level, **but it’s too late now** , he added stroking his face with the gun **, though I have to say it was a clever plan boy** , he admitted **, but alas you underestimated me** , he smirked pointing the barrel to Alex’s temple, **and you’re going to die alone,** he singsang, **so tell me now who’s destroying who** , he laughed.

- **I am,** screamed a third voice

It was at that precise instant that Alex truly felt the quiet, when the weight of his tormentor was lifted from his shoulder, when he saw his unconscious form fall on the dirty floor, when his sight fell on his savior hazel eyes, Alex finally understood what Michael meant ten years ago…

* * *

He never saw Michael so devastated before, not even after the incident, or after he walked away over and over again, nor after his mother’s death, this time Michael was crestfallen and they were nothing he could do to make it better, because Michael wasn’t his anymore he didn’t have any right to touch him, embrace him, comfort him,  because he’d always be the reason of his unhappiness, the reason he lost his only family, the reason for his bruised hand and broken mind, Alex didn’t have any right regarding Michael and even if he wanted to hold him he restrained himself offering him a small smile and a little wave.

- **You came** , he laughed wincing when the effort caused his injury to hurt him more.

 **-Of course I came you dumbass** , the alien answered rushing to his side.

For the first time since Caulfield Alex felt at peace, as he felt Michael calloused hands traveling his body in search of his wounds, as he felts his warm breath on his forearm, and his eyes on his skin, Alex truly felt at peace, allowing himself to thank the unknown entity that guided Michael to him, that allowed him to see his face one last time.

\- **Everything’s cold** , he mumbled tiredly, **so cold...so cold** , he repeated.

\- **I know but Kyle is not far ok,** , Michael croaked, **so you...you have to stay awake ok** , he smiled putting pressure to Alex’s side, **can you do this for me** , he asked, **can you stay awake** , he pressed

 **-‘m tired** , the other man answered fighting the urge to close his eyes **, distract me** , he demanded, **lie to me make me**...he coughed, **lie to me** , he whispered,

 **-I can’t lie to you** , Michael retorted **, you know me too damn well** , he chuckled half-heartedly.

- **Lie to me,** Alex insisted fighting another cough, **say you love me** , he smiled weakly.

He was holding him tightly, praying and begging him to keep his eyes open, to stay awake even if he knew it was an impossible task, he tried to distract him from the pain mentally cursing Valenti for taking too long, he kept on pressing his shirt to Alex side, kept on telling him how everything would be different when all these mess was over, he told him how they were going to get a house and a dog and even white picket fences, as he glanced at Alex and saw his smiling and tired eyes looking at him with love, devotion and remorse he knew, he understood that life was slowly leaving him, and so he decided to tell him the only thing that mattered, the only important thing because he knew that if he didn’t told him now he would either regret not saying it or back out.

- **I love you,** Michael croaked cradling him close to his heart **, I love you so damn much,** he breathed.

 **-You’re a miserable liar but thank you** , Alex whispered closing his eyes a peaceful smile painting his face…


	2. Dum Spiro, Spero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silence and darkness engulfed the room, despite the red lights and blaring sirens, despite Jesse’s grunts and Kyle scream, everything went still around Michael, the moment Alex’s eyes closed, the moment his body went limp, the moment he stopped breathing, everything paused, hushed, vanished…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how it came to this at first I only planned to write a two part fic but the more I wrote, the more the plot unveiled itself, so here's part 2 hopping you would like it

It was the most deafening scream Kyle ever heard, the most bone crushing sound he ever witnessed, shattering his heart, tearing his soul, destroying him. He never heard so much rage, so much desperation and misery in all his life, never thought he will heard it one day, it was so suffocating and painful he couldn’t support himself anymore, soon falling to his knees…

He could feel Michael’s desolation in his core, his hands were trembling, his breath heavy, his eyes full of unshed tears.

He apprehended what he will find, feared to get up, dreaded to find them, still he made an oath and even if reality would be harsh to face he had to go, had to raise and run, run to him, run to them, hoping, wishing there was still a chance, praying he could still save them.

* * *

Silence and darkness engulfed the room, despite the red lights and blaring sirens, despite Jesse’s grunts and Kyle scream, everything went still around Michael, the moment Alex’s eyes closed, the moment his body went limp, the moment he stopped breathing, everything paused, hushed, vanished…

Everything went silent, not quiet, not calm, silent. As if the world died with Alex, as though all good things disappeared. First Max now Alex, he was starting to wonder if there were things worth fighting for, wondering if maybe he was cursed, perhaps his foster families had been right all along calling him the devil spawn.

He was slumped over his body crying and begging the universe to give them one more chance, screaming for the world to give him back… He sniffed and sobbed in his chest, heart breaking, arms still tightly gripping him, he couldn’t let go, he couldn’t accept it, it wasn’t supposed to end this way.

 **-Don’t go please** , he croaked shaking with sobs, **you promised Alex** , his voice was quivering with each words, **you told me you were done leaving** , he inhaled deeply trying his hardest to stop crying, **I though Manes weren’t oath breaker** , he laughed bitterly hiding his face on the crook of Alex’s cold neck, **I** **can’t do it without you,** he breathed **, so please, please I beg you Alex come back, please** , he prayed.

Michael never prayed, not once in his life, he never believed in an almighty force up there, he stopped believing they were a justice to this word, but for Alex he could do it, he could be a freaking believer, could pray days and nights non-stop, could believe good things happened to those who wait, he could be all that and more, just to have five more minutes with Alex.

Alas nothing came, the sirens were still blaring, the red lights were still blinding and Alex wasn’t moving

* * *

It was heavy, so heavy, painful and suffocating, the fear, the anguish, the hope…Kyle didn’t know how to deal with all those mixed emotions, didn’t what was awaiting him, didn’t know how he would react, how he could help, how he kept on running until he found the most disturbing sight he ever saw, finally understanding why it wasn’t right to tend for those you cared for…

* * *

When Alex closed his eyes he felt everything and nothing at once, he could feel Kyle’s hands wandering through his body in a desperate way to cauterize the wound, could hear him pray between his teeth, could reckon Michael’s rage and guilt, .

He could feel Jesse’s pride and satisfaction, could feel his glee for finally achieving one of his goal, for getting rid of one more obstacle…

When Alex closed his eyes he suddenly became aware of everything and everyone around him, everything except for himself, he was starting to glide, like some emptiness took over his soul, keeping him from fighting, pulling him further down into darkness, soon Michael’s voice became a distant echo akin to parasite noises, ensuingly Kyle’s touch became a far memory. He could feel it know, could sense that he was diving, drowning, dying…

Time was running out but he was too tired to fight.

* * *

Fifteen minutes, fifteen minutes that’s all they had, only fifteen minutes to save Alex, to keep him from slipping even more, to decline Death from giving him her first and last kiss.

It was taking a toll on Kyle’s nerve, he knew that he had to dissociate himself from Alex, knew that in order to save him he had to overlook their friendship, Alex was his patient now, and he had to save him.

 **-I did my best,** Kyle panted after six minutes, **I somehow managed to cauterize the wound but** , he trailed drying his blood stained hands on Michaels ruined flannel.

- **But what** , the blond retorted anxiously bile and fears twisting his stomach.

 **-We have to get him to the nearest hospital in less than ten minutes** , Kyle replied rolling his sore shoulder, **he lost approximatively thirty five percent of blood,** he explained tugging his collar **, meaning that he have a slim chance to survive if we get him rapidly to the hospital,** he pursued taking Alex’s legs and gesturing for Michael to take his upper half.

Alex’s skin was turning dangerously pale almost grey, his body was getting colder by the minute, close to hypothermia, closer to death. Things weren’t looking great for him and if they didn’t got him to the near hospital in less than ten minutes Kyle knew that his chance of survival would drop from seventy percent to thirty, and thirty wasn’t a viable solution.

 **-What about him** , Michael asked interrupting his thoughts.

- **What about who** , Kyle retorted following Michael’s gaze fixed on Jesse’s limp form, **we’ll deal with him later,** he answered sorely, **for now Alex is our top priority.**

* * *

He could feel Michael’s arms tightening around his body, could feel his tears wetting his cheeks, could sense the sheer agony and sorrow the other man felt. It was destroying him, tearing him apart, poisoning his blood, killing him faster than his wound, still there was nothing he could do, his body was to weak,  and the pain too excruciating, impending him from opening his eyes, averting him from reassuring Michael.

* * *

The ride to the hospital was stressful and painfully quiet, Kyle was focused on the road, driving faster than the limited speed trying to occupy his spirit from Alex’s body on the backseat, while Michael was still processing everything that happened, looking at his hands, shaking bloodstained hands, not knowing what to do or how to conceive what was happening in front of him, trembling and suffocating, Alex cold body still in his arms thought he couldn’t release it.

- **Why are you so stubborn** , Kyle wondered drawing in a long breathe.

- **What do you mean** , Michael croaked treading his hands through Alex’s hair.

 **-It’s clear to anyone having eyes that you’re both miserable without the other,** Kyle responded drily slapping his hand on the wheel, **so why** , he gave a bitter laugh, **why did you left him**.

 **-I’m not having this conversation with you** , Michael retorted somberly hands tightening into fists, **are we there yet,** he sighed changing the subject.

 **-Two and a half minutes** , Kyle gritted putting on the gas.

* * *

The drive was disturbingly silent after that, none of them willing to restart a conversation, Kyle was trying to stay focused on the road, while Michael tried to reach Isobel.

The silence was awkward, deafening and foreshadowing, like the calm before the storm, none of them aware of the fourth passenger, neither of them forecasting that death would be claiming what was rightfully hers.

Everything happened so fast, fear and panic were clouding their mind, one minutes Michael was holding Alex’s body and the next one blood was tainting his jeans and Alex was convulsing.

- **Valenti** , Michael called chest rising and falling with rapid breaths.

 **-Shit, shit, shit** , the other man responded shoving his hair back away from his face.

 **-What the fuck is happening Valenti** , Michael demanded trying to stop Alex’s convulsions **, you told me we had time, you told me that you closed the wound** , he pleaded his lower lip quivering, **I can’t…I can’t Valenti,** he sobbed pressing his hands to the now reopened wound.

 **-Guerin snap out of it** , Kyle barked gritting his teeth, he had to think fast but Guerin’s breakdown wasn’t helping, **we still have time** , he mumbled frowning slightly, **we still have a chance to save him ok but for that I need you to calm down o** k, he announced softly trying to help Michael through his attack, **do you think you can do it** , he wondered.

 **-Tell me what to do** , he croaked, **I’ll do anything** , he sniffed passing his hands through his hair.

- **Ok** , Kyle nodded eying Michael into the rear-mirror, **put your hands on the wound and press on it as much as you can,** he instructed, **we’re not far and his shirt is soaked your hands would do,** he added.

- **Ok, yes, right** , Michael babbled pressing hard on Alex side, praying for it to work, hopping that Kyle was right, that they had still a chance, they still had time.

That’s when he felt it, a ticklish sensation on the tip of his fingers, a warmness coursing through his veins, a deep rumble in his soul, then he saw it the glow, the light emerging from his hands, the hope.

- **Guerin what the fuck** , Kyle shouted abruptly veering to the right, **what are you doing,** he shrieked trying to avoid the glass breakage

- **Putting my hand on the wound like you told me** , he roared back gritting his teeth still focused on his duty.

- **Guerin look up** , Kyle retorted swerving the wheel abruptly avoiding a falling street light.

He was so focused on the task in front of him that he didn’t hear Kyle shouting at first, didn’t notice how every lights were exploding from his sudden burst of energy, didn’t react with the car weaving constantly, he didn’t notice how Alex stopped convulsing, didn’t remark how the wound stopped bleeding all together. It took Kyle abruptly avoiding the street light for Michael to acknowledge what he’d done, for him to release Alex and look in awe at the now damaged avenue.

- **How’s Alex,** Kyle asked softly shaking him up from his slumber.

- **He…he uh he stopped convulsing** , he cowed tiredly gaze still focused on the street, **we still have time,** he jilted.

 **-We’re there** , Kyle answered getting out the car….

* * *

Michael didn’t know how to feel anymore, he was lost, confused, numb… It was as if something broke inside of him, no words could describe the state he was in after they arrived, no one could understand the impact of that night, hell he couldn’t understand it either, he never felt that way it was both scary and disturbing…

Shaking his head, he tried to turn his attention back on what Kyle was saying, he tried to focus, tried to force himself to stop thinking about Alex in surgery, tried to force himself to stop remembering his blood on his hand.

He was like a ghost wondering through the busy hall, he felt like a stranger, like his place wasn’t there, he never felt at ease in hospitals, it always screamed danger for him, as if everyone knew his secret, as if they were waiting for him to slip and reveal himself, he loathed hospitals, still he forced himself to stay, he needed to stay, to be strong for Alex.  

* * *

He felt empty without him, as if he couldn’t feel anything anymore, their bound was weakening, disappearing and it killed him... Because he had given all he had, all he was and it probably hadn’t been enough, he hadn’t be enough.

He shook his head trying miserably not to cry again, he didn’t want to shred another tear, didn’t want to lose hope, he couldn’t afford to imagine the worst.

He missed him, his smile, the way he scrunched his nose when something bothered him, the way his laugh would make his eyes smaller, he missed his constant nagging, and their fights, he yearned him, it's only been two hour but it felt like an eternity…

Michael didn’t know how to feel anymore, he was lost, confused, numb… It was as if something broke inside of him, no words could describe the state he was in after they arrived, no one could understand the impact of that night, hell he couldn’t understand it either, he never felt that way it was both scary and disturbing…

Shaking his head, he tried to turn his attention back on what Kyle was saying, he tried to focus, tried to force himself to stop thinking about Alex in surgery, tried to force himself to stop remembering his blood on his hand.

He was like a ghost wondering through the busy hall, he felt like a stranger, like his place wasn’t there, he never felt at ease in hospitals, it always screamed danger for him, as if everyone knew his secret, as if they were waiting for him to slip and reveal himself, he loathed hospitals, still he forced himself to stay, he needed to stay, to be strong for Alex. 

 **-Can we talk about it now,** Kyle asked tiredly running his hand through his face

 **-I told you I don't want to talk about it with you,** Michael grumbled sigh fixed on the clock above them **, there is nothing to talk about** , he added reluctantly.

- **Yeah** , Kyle chuckled shaking his head, **I beg to differ** , he took a deep breath before turning his attention toward the other man, **you know every singles thing Alex done for the last ten years were for you,** he revealed leaning forward.

- **He did it for himself** , Michael corrected twisting his lips **, he told me** , he countered before Kyle could cut him, **he told me he was tired of losing** , he sighed squinting his eyes.

 **-I know** , Kyle breathed **, he told me all about your little chat,** he pursued lips, **he lied though, he became a good liar that for sure,** he snorted bitterly.

- **What do you mean?**  Michael wondered keeping his voice low.

 **-I…** Kyle started, **I asked for the footage of Jesse’s disappearance** , he whispered glancing sideway.

- **And** , Michael pressed chewing his bottom list, **what did you see,** he commanded distress clear in his voice, **Kyle** , he called seeing the other man attention drawn elsewhere.

People were running past them, doctors and nurses screaming orders at each other, sirens and red lights blaring, making them remember, making them dread…

 **-Something is wrong with Alex** , Kyle claimed raising to his feet following the crowd toward Alex’s room.

- **Kyle** , Michael hollered his breath shallowing with distress.

 - **Something is wrong with Alex** , Kyle repeated closing the distance between them keeping an eye on the team running toward room 187 **, I don’t trust any of them with him** , he confided lowly, **until I figure out what’s happening there you have to go** , he nodded squeezing the blond shoulder, **it’s not safe for you** , he insisted over Michael’s refusal to leave, **I’ll call you** , he assured.

- **What about the footage** , Michael croaked tiredly.

 **-I already sent a copy to your phone,** Kyle smiled patting his shoulder, **now go** , turning around he jogged toward his best friend room, leaving a confused and distraught Michael behind.

* * *

Michael wasn’t a waiter, he wasn’t known for his patience, wasn’t known for his ability to sit and wait for a sign, he used to be one thought…

When he was younger, when he sneaked to the crash place wishing that his people would come and find him, wishing that if he was nice enough, lenient enough, they would come, they will fetch him and take him away from the pain and misery of Earth…

But the more he aged, the more his patience dwindled, and his hope and faith for a better life died down, thus when Kyle asked him to go home and wait his first reflex was to rebut him, to tell him that he didn’t do good with waiting, he wanted to tell him that he didn’t give a fuck what people would said about him being there, however the moment Kyle expressed doubt about his co-workers being corrupted he swallowed his pride and accepted the fact that this time he had to back out and wait.

And wait he did for hours, four hours more exactly, four hours of passing back and forth in his trailer, four hours of worrying without having the possibility to share his pain with anyone else, four hours of imagining the worst, four hours until Kyle called him, begging him to come put some sense back in a fully awake Alex Manes…

* * *

He almost expected Guerin to punch him in the face after he touched him, he was expecting him putting a bigger fight, expected him to cause a ruckus, but nothing, he was surprised to see that for once the cowboy listened to him, that he accepted the fact that this time he had to let Kyle handle things...

It was bigger than them, bigger than the alien conspiracy, bigger than project Shepherd, it wasn't only the military, wasn't only Roswell, it was deeper than that, he knew it, he felt it and after viewing Jesse's footage he was sure that his awakening hadn't been caused by Alex but he played a big part in it and he needed to know why.

He waited a good quarter before going inside Alex's room, he didn't know what Morris did to him, didn't know why the alarm on his door blared two hours after he came back from surgery nevertheless he was fixed on uncovering the mystery floating around his best friend strange demeanor.

He made sure the cost was clear and that all the nurse had left Alex's chamber before entering, as expected he wasn't asleep, wasn't in pain, wasn't connected to machines, he was laying on his left side purposely ignoring Kyle's presence, a blood transfusion on his right arm.

- **You ruined everything** , Alex gritted the minute Kyle set foot in his bunk, **I had everything under control and you ruined it** , he spitted turning his cold stare toward him.

- **We saved you** , Kyle voiced exhaustingly taking a sit on his left, **now are you going to tell me why you vanished from the surface of the word for two weeks** , he pondered gripping tightly the plastic of his chair.

- **It's none of your business** , Alex responded full of venom.

 **-It's my business when I found that you are the reason why one of our patient suddenly vanished** , he chuckled dryly shaking his head in disbelief **, fine you don't want to talk with me,** Kyle nodded at Alex's unwillingness to converse, **maybe Guerin would manage to put some sense into you** , he announced pulling his phone from his back pocket.

* * *

As soon as he arrived he could hear loud voices coming from Alex’s room, rushing toward the place he was met with a bewildered Kyle trying to reason with a stubborn and grumpy Alex.

- **Why didn't you fight back** , Kyle asked after a minute of silence treatment from his friend **, I know you, I know you could've disarmed him and put him back in coma** , he demanded.

- **Because it was quiet** , Alex whispered not meeting Kyle’s eyes, **it felt quiet** , he repeated taping his temple.

- **Why didn’t you tell me** , Kyle croaked, **I could’ve help…I…you know it,** he begged

 **-Because I didn’t want help** , he chuckled dryly, **I didn’t want to get better, didn’t want to move on or forget** , he pursued, **I just wanted some quiet.**

 **-Death is not quiet,** Michael interrupted signaling for Kyle to leave them, **you know that of all of us you’re the one who knows that death is everything but peaceful and quiet** , he hissed. 

 **-It was for me** , he retorted, **and you took it away** , he snarled **, do you enjoy depriving me form everything that I need** , he pursued, **until I’m left alone and waiting.**

Michael knew he could always retort that he wasn’t the one who always found an excuse to leave, that he’d waited and waited for Alex, that they were cosmic but he’d needed space from the supernova that their feelings and memories were, but he didn’t, he knew Alex, he knew his copping mechanism, he knew that he was a dick when he wanted to avoid certain subjects…

Still he couldn't do it, as much as he wanted to hear his reason, as much as he desired to understand why he woke Jesse, why he disappeared for two weeks, why he avoided every single soul of Roswell, he didn't have the courage nor the strength to handle the truth, nor an angry and hateful Alex, it was better to leave, to go, to breathe.

- **I was tired,** Alex admitted quietly, **I’m still tired** , he sighed.

Michael only nodded, accepting that answer for now, he threw a quick glance to Kyle who acquiesced back before leaving the room, emptiness overcoming him the minute he set foot outside...He wasn’t sad or depressed, he was just empty, hollow and unable to feel anything anymore...

* * *

- **He saved your life** , Kyle half yelled after Michael departure, not understanding Alex’s sudden coldness toward him.

- **No**...Alex snarled, **he made it worse...I’d rather be dead than feeling like that...** he chucked darkly

 **-Like what,** the doctor asked exasperation clear in his voice

- **Feeling like them...** he yelled, **experiencing what feeling they’re developing for one another** , he croaked, **he marked me by bringing me back...now the connection is stronger than ever but I’m the only one feeling like shit so excuse me for being ungrateful...I didn’t ask any of you to come to me...you ruined everything...** Alex repeated facing the window tears falling freely on his cheeks

 **-Alex...I’m sorry...I didn’t realize it was like that** , Kyle apologized, **still I don’t regret anything...and I don’t think he regret it either** , he added, **and I don’t think he lied when he told you the L word** , he added remembering the brief discussion he and Michael had  minutes before.

 **-He lied because I asked him to...** Alex whispered **, Listen I knew what I was getting at when I woke Jesse, I had planned everything** , he insisted

 **-Clearly not everything since you got sho…** he started interrupting himself when Alex turned his head back a dark glint in his eyes, **no...no** , he wobbled shaking his head, **no...Alexander Tristan Manes don’t tell me that it was a suicide mission,** he asked

- **Why do you care? ,** he thundered avoiding eyes contact.

He felt as if he couldn’t feel anything anymore... Because he had given him all he had, all he was and it hadn’t been enough, he hadn’t be enough...He took it all leaving him with nothing but a void in his soul, a hole in his chest, and an emptiness he desperately tried to fill with dismantling his father project...

 **-You’re my best friend Manes, that’s why I care,** Kyle responded passing his hand through his hair, **and I’m not leaving this room until you tell me why you decided to go on a suicide crusade against the government alone** , he added sitting at his bedside, **Alex** , he called softly.

 **-Because I had to,** he responded quietly, **because I had to** , he repeated voice hoarse and cheeks wet from all his crying **, I owe it to them** , he explained swallowing the lump in his throat, **I’m the reason he lost everything,** he croaked.

- **Alex** , Kyle started heartbroken at the sight of how broken the other man was, **you’re not** … he tried before interrupting himself.

 **-But I am,** he insisted, **I understand now** , he smiled shrugging slightly, **I get why he choosed her** , he pursued.

Shaking his head, he tried to turn his attention back on what Kyle was trying to say, he tried to focus, tried to force himself to stop thinking about how he had search for Michael after he dashed out of the airstream, how after hours of searching he found him tongue deep in Maria’s throat, tried to forget how his heart broke in thousand pieces when he realized how right they were for one another.

No words could describe the state he was in after witnessing such a scene, no one could understand the impact of that betrayal, hell he couldn’t understand it either, he never felt that way before, never felt so much pain and despair it was both scary and disturbing…

- **Alex** , Kyle called once more trying to shake him from his slumber.

 **-I have to protect his happiness** , Alex explained finally facing him, **I’m the only one who can do it** , he affirmed.

- **Why** , Kyle asked confused, **why don’t you trust us?** , he demanded grabbing his shoulders.

 **-It’s not about trust,** Alex responded **, it’s about keeping you safe** , he sighed.

 **-Safe from what** , Kyle insisted squeezing Alex’s shoulders, **Alex** , he called, **safe from what** , he repeated desperately.

- **From me** , Alex answered finality in his voice.


End file.
